Pumpkin Spice Conspiracy

It was about a year ago that I came out against all things pumpkin spice. It has become a fun back and forth with my sister and others that are absolutely in love with the fall flavor.  I stand by the fact that I enjoy things like pumpkin bread/muffins.  I even enjoy the smell of pumpkin candles, but when you start to see cereal, coffee, coffee creamer, pizza, tobacco maybe it has gone a little too far.  So as a joke in reaction to my sister posting some pumpkin spice thing to me on social media, I said that pumpkin spice things caused climate change.  Now it's time to build a humorous case against pumpkin spice in the defense of the earth.  This is all written tongue in cheek.  Nothing I write is scientifically true, but if for some reason I 'disappear' you all know I am on to something and the Pumpkin Spice Industrial Complex must be stopped!

In order to get the appropriate amount of pumpkin flavoring, the number of pumpkin patches and farms has skyrocketed over the past five years.  What is not known is that when the pumpkins are harvested and processed methane gas and carbon dioxide are released into the air.  The machines that are used to process the pumpkins and mix the pumpkin with all the spices to get your favorite fall flavor are powered by coal.  This causes the temperatures to rise not just intermittently but it has a long lasting impact on the climate.  The gases stay trapped in the atmosphere raising the temperatures around the world throughout the year.    

It all comes full circle because with the climate changing and pumpkin crops not being as fruitful as they have been in previous years, farmers are having to plant more in the hopes of getting a harvest that rivals previous years.  As the pumpkin patches expand, trees are cut down, other fruits and vegetables are no longer planted to make way for the pumpkins.  This in turn causes more of the gas to be released into the air.  WAKE UP SHEEPLE!

Not only do we have the gases in the sky from all the processing, but with the pumpkin patches and farms getting larger, the farmers are cutting back on other fruits and vegetables to keep up with the pumpkin demand.  We will have less green beans, less corn, less carrots, potatoes, etc.  Not only will we have a shortage in all these fine foods, but the cost will skyrocket.  Now we're getting into the economic change all caused because you wanted pumpkin spiced Cheerios. 

Pretty soon, it's gonna look like Mad Max times all across the world.  You are all doing this to yourselves.  Stop the climate change!  Save the earth!  Stop buying pumpkin spice things!








Okay, that was fun to write....

Quite The Post

'Nothing echoes like an empty mailbox.' -Charles Schultz

When we bought our house, after the excitement of being a homeowner wore off, we started looking around at small things that we wanted to change.  We've painted a few of the rooms, found colors for others, and made some slight adjustments.  Nothing major yet, but we have plans.  One thing that we wanted to change was the mailbox.  The one that the previous owners had was on a post to the side of the front porch.  It was white and started to rust a little on the bottom.  It just didn't look right.  To make matters a little worse, moisture was getting into it.  Nothing crazy, but the mail every time it rained or snows was a little damp. 

For whatever reason, some years ago, some idiot sealed up the mail slot that was built into the house.  It's a cute little feature, but it's covered up now and that sucks.  You can see the door from the inside of the house, but it has been sealed and it's covered up from the outside.  I'd love to have that as the mailbox again.  It's a cool feature that was pretty standard from the time our house was originally constructed. 

We went out to a home improvement store to find a new one.  We went with one to mount on the exterior of the house.  Something simple and classic looking.  When my parents were out here a few weeks ago, they put it up one day while we were at work.  How nice of them!  After I took the old mailbox off the post, the next step (naturally) would be to remove the post.  It was a simple metal post and I thought it was something that was just a few feet in the ground.  As it turns out, nope.  Not the case.  I had to take a shovel to it to dig it up. 

Below is the post in our garage.  The damn thing is about seven feet long.  SEVEN FEET!  What the hell were they worried about?  Did they think a strong wind was going to pick up a measly little five foot post and send their mail flying about?  Were they worried some mischievous pranksters were going to try and take it?  Who knows.  Anyone need a seven foot metal post?  

A post shared by Michael Litzner (@melitzner) on Apr 21, 2017 at 1:47pm PDT

Handful of Snack

I have always had a sweet tooth.  I do my best to not buy things like ice cream, favorite candy, or cookies.  If they're in the house, it's only a matter of time before they all disappear.  My favorite dessert has to be ice cream.  It could be seen as an addiction if I wasn't careful.  That's why we don't have a tendency to buy it.  As far as candy goes, I have always loved peanut butter cups.  Arguably the best combination of food out there.  It doesn't matter if it's one that you buy from the local candy store or buy a Resse's Cup from the store, it is just a great combination.  In fact, I remember as a kid dipping our chocolate Easter bunnies in the peanut butter.  It wasn't just me, my siblings did it as well.

The past several years around Christmas time, Reese's produces these massive peanut butter cups.  I always joke with my wife that I need to buy one.  Just to have one.  To my surprise, this was wrapped and underneath the tree Christmas morning....

A photo posted by Michael Litzner (@melitzner) on Jan 18, 2017 at 9:28am PST

I unwrapped the present and just laughed.  We both know how terrible for you and I never expected to ever get one.  Note:  I did not look at the nutrition facts other than to see the serving size so I did not die from eating these.

A photo posted by Michael Litzner (@melitzner) on Jan 18, 2017 at 9:29am PST

THEY ARE LITERALLY THE SIZE OF MY HAND!  These could feed an entire country.  This could be the ultimate test in willpower.  How long can I go before wanting another piece.  And another.  And another?  I had to use a santoku knife to break it into pieces.  Despite the size, the taste is no different.  It is still delicious. 

An Unofficial and Horrifying Holiday

I feel like there is an unofficial holiday that has shown up at the beginning of Fall the past couple of years and it is starting to gain momentum.  It had a slow start and over the course of the past few years, it has started to gain momentum.  Almost to the point where you would think that people would start asking for the day off to celebrate.  I don't think there is a specific day that it starts, but maybe it has to do with the weather and the outside atmosphere.  It's the Pumpkin Spice Holiday. 

Yes folks, I am declaring that there is a nation holiday nightmare that is starting to take over and it smells of pumpkin and random spices.  It started out small, with a few things here and there with pumpkin flavoring.  Earlier this month, my wife texted me a picture of Pumpkin Spice oatmeal.  OATMEAL.  Stop it.  There is seemingly pumpkin spiced everything.  From consumable items like coffee, ice cream, and even beer to household items like candles, air fresheners, and potpourri.  It is starting to take over the gap between summer and Halloween.  I am expecting in the next year or two to walk into a Target and see an entire seasonal aisle run of nothing but pumpkin/pumpkin spice stuff.  To me that is a scary thing.  Now, I do like the smell of pumpkin, and even the taste of some pumpkin foods it's just becoming bigger than it should be.  

I know that when I think of fall, I think of smells.  It's a sensory season for me.  You step outside and there's something different in the air from the summer air.  I don't know if it's because of the temperature dropping and the leaves changing, but there's just something.  It's also a change in wardrobe for most people.  It's sweatpants, hoodies, and thermal long sleeve shirts.  It's comforting clothing.  Kinda like how there's comfort food, but it's comfort clothing.  Fall is my favorite season after winter.  One thing that is ruining it is pumpkin spice everything.  Stop ruining this time of the year for me!  And besides, if there is one type of food that should be associated with fall it should be apple. 

Overrated! (clap clap clapclapclap)

Here's something fun.  Let's talk about things I think are overrated.  Because I don't have anything else to really write about. 

• Slaughter House Five and Catch-22.
• Overused hashtags.  Unless you use them to make fun of them.  Examples:  #blessed and #BostonStrong
• Speaking of #BostonStrong:  Boston.  Just everything about it.  
• Speaking of Boston: Sam Adams beer. 
• Speaking of beer: IPAs.  Stouts are where it's at.
• The Dark Knight movie trilogy.  It's Christian Bale's fault.
• Football.
• ESPN.
• Sabermetrics.
• Joe Maddon.
• Daryl Dixon (THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT!  COME AT ME!)
• Just kidding, Daryl is awesome.
• All CSI/NCSI/any cop or fire show that your parents love.
• Seriously, there's like, twenty versions of those shows.
• Grey's Anatomy after season 2.  I liked the first two seasons.
• Reality television.  All of it.  There's better ways to kill your brain cells.
• Jared Leto

Wasn't that fun?  Yeah, that was fun.