Valentine's Day is Bullshit...Kind Of

Today always sparks a fun little debate on whether or not Valentine's Day is a Hallmark Holiday.  I think that it is and it isn't.  It's all on how you celebrate it.  If you think that on Valentine's Day you need to go out and buy a dozen over priced roses and boxes of chocolate for your significant other, go nuts.  If you find it necessary to get a reservation at a romantic restaurant that everyone else is going to be at, feel free.  You'll be bumping elbows with everyone else in the restaurant, but don't let that stop you.  Those acts are part of the Hallmark Holiday cliches that Valentine's Day is all about.  Personally, I don't want to do any of that.  At all.  If you spend the day or evening with loved ones, that's what matters.  I usually buy a small gift for my wife, but don't go overboard with it.  Because I support capitalism.  USA!  USA!  

Last night, my wife and I went out to dinner.  We don't go out on Valentine's Day because restaurants are always packed and loud and obnoxious.  So we either go out the day before or the day after.  Just to avoid the rush.  We aren't big crowd people.  We didn't do the whole romantic restaurant, candlelight dinner thing either.  We went to Buffalo Wild Wings.  Because it sounded SO GOOD.  Nothing says love like sitting across the table from your spouse and watch them rip meat off the bone.  Wove.  Twue Wove.  
 
Here's the thing.  If you spend Valentine's Day with the person or people that you love or care about, that's all you need.  If you spend the day doing what you enjoy with a person, that's all you need to do.  Enjoy drinking wine and watching a shitty chick flick?  Call that a successful Valentine's Day.  Is there a big game on and you want to go out with your drinking buddies to watch it?  Success!  Would it be weird if you were out with your drinking buddies and as you were leaving you said 'Happy Valentine's Day guys.'?  Yeah.  It would be.  Unless you have that close relationship with them. 

I won't condemn people for going all out on Valentine's Day.  If that is how you choose to show your love for your partner, go for it.  Everyone celebrates holidays in different ways.  We are not big on it.  That's just how we roll.  It is more important to show love and affection and appreciation for your partner all year long not just one day.  Am I the best at doing that?  Absolutely not.  Are any of us?  You can always get better.  

13/120

Separation of Chore and State

I was talking with a co-worker last week about chores around the house.  The subject came up because her fiancee is going to be moving back to Minnesota after being out of state for a couple of years for work.  I don't know, don't ask.  She was talking about how he's got those years worth of chores to make up because she has been doing all the cleaning, cooking, dish washing, etc.  I thought it was a weird line of logic, but whatever.  Has she been keeping track of how many meals she has cooked that he will have to cook.  How many times she has done laundry, or the dishes, or cleaned the bathroom?  Does she have a spreadsheet of these events?  The more I think about it, the creepier it seems.  I mentioned that ever since my wife and I started living together back in college, we have done our best to do specific chores.  And with rare exceptions, we stick to those chores.

For example, my wife does the majority of the cooking.  Whether it is dinner, breakfast on the random weekend, or baking cookies, she does it.  To counter that, I wash the dishes.  She dirties them, I clean them.  Fair play, right?  My wife does the laundry.  Is it because way back in the day I accidentally shrunk a wool sweater of hers?  Mayhaps.  I take out the trash and recycling.  So things like that.  Whenever it is that we move into a house, I'll end up doing the snow blowing and grass cutting.  Now, are these chores that we do gender stereotypical?  Yes.  It's not like we sat down and said, 'well, you're the woman so you are going to cook and clean.  I am a man so I'm going to take care of all the physical stuff.'  It's just that she's a great cook.  I'm okay at it.  There are days when I cook dinner (but somehow still end up cleaning the dishes....) and there are times she has taken out the recycling or trash.  We do our best to split the chores evenly.  Do I slack on how quickly I get my chores done?  Yes.  Yes I do.  But they get done. 

My co-worker was blown away by this and I don't understand why.   She wasn't taken aback by it, she just didn't understand the thought behind each of us having specific chores.  Maybe she didn't grow up in a house where the chores were split up?  Maybe one person did all the work?  I don't know.  Splitting the chores is just how our household growing up functioned.  Everyone had their work to do.  I think that is what makes a house a home.  Everyone putting forth an effort to keep it up and going.  If just one person does all the work, not everyone is invested in the house. 

Is this a common thing?  Does everyone else split the chores up or is it kind of a 'it's your turn to do the dishes because I did them last time' system?  I think either way works.  As long as it is doled out fairly, I think whichever method works for you and your household is best.

11/120

Time Apart

This time last week, I was spending the days with my in-laws.  They came for a quick visit here in the Twin Cities before flying out to Colorado Springs to see my brother in-law.  My wife went with them.  Family time is always great.  I had to work, so I am still in Minnesota.  I have never objected to her wanting to spend time with her family, that's just not how a marriage should work.  Besides, it gives me time to watch a ton of sports, drink a bunch of beer, and walk around in my boxers (you may think I kid, but I do not).

One thing I have always thought that makes a great marriage or relationship work is the ability of those involved to be able to spend time apart.  Everyone should want to see their partner whenever they want, but there also has to be individualism in the relationship.  Everyone needs their space from time to time, and their partners need to understand that.  I haven't gone anywhere this past week, but have enjoyed the time to myself.  I've had two responsibilities:  go to work, feed and water the cat.  That's it.  Whenever I am left to my own devices, I have some great routines set up (sad, I know).

There are three big meals that I cook early on in the time by myself:  spaghetti, goulash, or chili (depending on the season).  The recipes I have are all from my mom, so they were written to feed a small army, or one grown man four or five times in a week.  Once that domestic chore is done, guess what, I don't have to cook anymore if I don't want to.  If the grill is set up, I usually partake in some Man Grilling Time (or MGT).  The other food oriented thing I do is treat myself to one night out.  Tomorrow night, the Detroit Lions are playing the Chicago Bears on Monday Night Football.  That's why I waited until the last night to go out.  I find a sports bar and drink some beers, eat some not so healthy but oh so delicious bar food, and watch some sports.  I feel that doing this in a sports bar is acceptable.  If I were to go to a place like the Olive Garden, it would be weird.  Everyone stares at the person eating in a restaurant all by themselves.  In a sports bar, it's okay.

The other thing I do, and this may seem small and insignificant, is watch movies.  There are only a few television shows that I watch, but I love movies.  I've taken these times apart to watch an entire series (from 'Alien' to 'LOTR' to 'Star Wars') or new movies.  This week, I watched 'A Serious Man' and 'Cabin in the Woods'.  Both I would recommend.  There are also the records that I listen to.  There is just something about listening to an LP that makes me happy.  Yes they are big and bulky and you have to flip them over, but there is a soul in each record.  The music is different on a record as opposed to a CD or the digital version.  

If I am going to be home by myself for a week or so, I always take advantage of the freedom to watch what I want, cook what I want, listen to what I want.  And I think everyone should take this approach.  Your partner may be on their vacation, but you also get a vacation.  Even if you still are home. 

Missing the mrs. or missing the mrs?

This weekend, I hung out with several friends that all knew A was out of town, but were unsure of how long she was gone.  We went out to dinner and for the first time in quite a long time I was the fifth wheel.  It was two couples (eventually a third couple met up with us) and me.  And of course, I had to deal with the 'when does your wife come home?' question.  I've been barraged with this question ever since I got home a couple of weeks ago.  It got me thinking while I was out tonight drinking a few beers and watching some baseball.  Where does the line between dependence and independence lie in each relationship? 

One of the greatest things about the relationship I have with my wife is the independence we have from each other.  Not since high school have we been the couple that needed to be with each other twenty four hours a day, seven days a week.  And even then, we had the same friends, so it wasn't like we ran in different crowds.  In the past year, she has gone home for longer periods of time than I have because she hasn't been working.  We have both developed a little more independence because of that.  At least at home, she can help get her parents with house updates with stripping wall paper and painting random rooms.  Outside of that, there will be nights when people from work will get a hold of me and want to go out to the bar.  I'll say yes the majority of the time because it's nice to hang out with friends (and let's face it, I like to drink), but I always make it a point to see if she wants to go out.  There will be nights when she says yes and nights that she says no.  Regardless of what she decides, I'm out the door when the time comes.  A little bit of a dick move sometimes, but it shows that neither of us have the need to be with each other every minute of every day.  She hasn't ever looked at me and said, 'I'm not going and neither are you.'.  There will be nights when she just flat out does not want to go and I will get the response, 'no, and have a good time.'.  What more could a husband ask for?  And when she does come out, she is involved with the conversations throughout the night, so it isn't like she sits in the corner brooding.

Every relationship needs to have that kind of separation and independence, and I'm sure that most do.  To counter that, I'm sure there are relationships where both parties do not feel comfortable being out without their significant other.  Those are not fulfilling relationships.  It's one thing to say 'I don't feel like going out, but thanks' to people that invite you out for a beer or four and it's another thing to say 'We don't feel like going out, but thanks.'  That's not a healthy independent relationship.  That's co-dependency.

You want to test out where your relationship is?  Gather up some people at work or some friends you know will be wanting to go hang out for a couple of hours, but do it when you know your significant other won't be in the mood to go out of the house.  If they say something along the lines of, 'I don't feel like it and I think you should stay home too.' you may want to have a deep conversation with that person.  It is one thing to be in a couple (whether you are married or in a non-married relationship) and it's another thing to be one person.  Find that line where you know it's okay to go out and play cards with the guys, or go out to a bar with co-workers on a Friday (or a Tuesday) after a long week at the office.  That is where the relationship lies.  I don't want to say that you want to treat it like a trust game, but you need to treat it like as a relationship game.  I think a great relationship depends on independence from each other, but still knowing that if you want to, it's okay to turn the phones off and hang out for the evening with each other.

The excuse of 'my husband (or wife) doesn't feel like going out so we are going to pass.' is absolute bullshit.  The exception to that rule is if early work is involved.  And by early I mean early.  Like four in the morning early.  This weekend, I went out to hang with friends on Friday night and Saturday night.  Both nights, I was up until at least one in the morning and went to work before eight.  I'm getting to the point where I have to pay for it just because I'm getting old, but it was great to know I can still do it.  Both nights were great and I would not hesitate to do it again.  And I know that A would have been up for both nights.  It wasn't like I was up hitting the strip clubs with a bunch of guys, we were out drinking beer and socializing.  It was fun and laid back.

So it has been nice to have the run of the apartment and be able to do whatever and go wherever I want, but come Tuesday, it will be nice to have my wife back in town.  To have these past two weeks alone and independent from anyone it's allowed me to cut loose a little.  Drink at home a little more, eat dinner whenever and wherever.  And to know that I can do that whenever I want is great just because we have that relationship that has the flexibility to go out and do our own thing if need be.






And it's also nice that she will always be around for the 'I don't want to do anything but stay at home' evenings or weekends too.  

Space, much needed space

'I'll tell me ma' is playing on itunes.  A song I learned listening to the pub runners at Sinclair's.  

Recently, a few people have told me about some friends they have that are very clingy.  One wants their husband to be home the instant they are, and the other couple will ditch their friends to see each other.  Listen, I'm all about spending time, and good quality time (not just time), with your spouse.  But you got to let them get out of the house.  Let them go out and have a poker night, or a night at the bar with their friends, or just go shopping (trying to get both sexes in there) with one of your friends.  Not only are they getting out of the house, but you get alone time at the house.  

Newlyweds seem to be the exception.  Mainly because they are so in love and can't get enough of each other and blah blah blah.  You have the rest of your lives to spend with each other, be social.  Don't be the person who needs to go home because your significant other calls you and tells you to be home.  Lengthen that leash people.  I just don't get that about some relationships.  

It isn't the end of the world if you don't spend every waking hour/minute/second with the person you love.  Space people.  Space.