This weekend, I hung out with several friends that all knew A was out of town, but were unsure of how long she was gone. We went out to dinner and for the first time in quite a long time I was the fifth wheel. It was two couples (eventually a third couple met up with us) and me. And of course, I had to deal with the 'when does your wife come home?' question. I've been barraged with this question ever since I got home a couple of weeks ago. It got me thinking while I was out tonight drinking a few beers and watching some baseball. Where does the line between dependence and independence lie in each relationship?
One of the greatest things about the relationship I have with my wife is the independence we have from each other. Not since high school have we been the couple that needed to be with each other twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. And even then, we had the same friends, so it wasn't like we ran in different crowds. In the past year, she has gone home for longer periods of time than I have because she hasn't been working. We have both developed a little more independence because of that. At least at home, she can help get her parents with house updates with stripping wall paper and painting random rooms. Outside of that, there will be nights when people from work will get a hold of me and want to go out to the bar. I'll say yes the majority of the time because it's nice to hang out with friends (and let's face it, I like to drink), but I always make it a point to see if she wants to go out. There will be nights when she says yes and nights that she says no. Regardless of what she decides, I'm out the door when the time comes. A little bit of a dick move sometimes, but it shows that neither of us have the need to be with each other every minute of every day. She hasn't ever looked at me and said, 'I'm not going and neither are you.'. There will be nights when she just flat out does not want to go and I will get the response, 'no, and have a good time.'. What more could a husband ask for? And when she does come out, she is involved with the conversations throughout the night, so it isn't like she sits in the corner brooding.
Every relationship needs to have that kind of separation and independence, and I'm sure that most do. To counter that, I'm sure there are relationships where both parties do not feel comfortable being out without their significant other. Those are not fulfilling relationships. It's one thing to say 'I don't feel like going out, but thanks' to people that invite you out for a beer or four and it's another thing to say 'We don't feel like going out, but thanks.' That's not a healthy independent relationship. That's co-dependency.
You want to test out where your relationship is? Gather up some people at work or some friends you know will be wanting to go hang out for a couple of hours, but do it when you know your significant other won't be in the mood to go out of the house. If they say something along the lines of, 'I don't feel like it and I think you should stay home too.' you may want to have a deep conversation with that person. It is one thing to be in a couple (whether you are married or in a non-married relationship) and it's another thing to be one person. Find that line where you know it's okay to go out and play cards with the guys, or go out to a bar with co-workers on a Friday (or a Tuesday) after a long week at the office. That is where the relationship lies. I don't want to say that you want to treat it like a trust game, but you need to treat it like as a relationship game. I think a great relationship depends on independence from each other, but still knowing that if you want to, it's okay to turn the phones off and hang out for the evening with each other.
The excuse of 'my husband (or wife) doesn't feel like going out so we are going to pass.' is absolute bullshit. The exception to that rule is if early work is involved. And by early I mean early. Like four in the morning early. This weekend, I went out to hang with friends on Friday night and Saturday night. Both nights, I was up until at least one in the morning and went to work before eight. I'm getting to the point where I have to pay for it just because I'm getting old, but it was great to know I can still do it. Both nights were great and I would not hesitate to do it again. And I know that A would have been up for both nights. It wasn't like I was up hitting the strip clubs with a bunch of guys, we were out drinking beer and socializing. It was fun and laid back.
So it has been nice to have the run of the apartment and be able to do whatever and go wherever I want, but come Tuesday, it will be nice to have my wife back in town. To have these past two weeks alone and independent from anyone it's allowed me to cut loose a little. Drink at home a little more, eat dinner whenever and wherever. And to know that I can do that whenever I want is great just because we have that relationship that has the flexibility to go out and do our own thing if need be.
And it's also nice that she will always be around for the 'I don't want to do anything but stay at home' evenings or weekends too.
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